The Most Familial Adventure: Navigating a Family Campout: How to Hold a Stone-Skipping Competition

How glorious earth's bounty, fellow adventurer!

Earth is a factory, creating many wonderful things. And, much like the factories of old, it takes a long time to make anything because the workers are underpaid and, therefore, lazy. But when the earth pops out a new batch of materials, it's always worth it (unlike the iPhone 5 (which I'm bitter about because I have a flip phone still)). 

One of, if not the, illest of all Earth's creations is rocks. Rocks can be used for heat and throwing. Some say there are other purposes, but those people aren't trustworthy, fellow adventurer. Stay away from them.

The most important sport of all time (and a big contender for new Olympic event, my heart tells me) is skipping rocks. If you can't skip rocks, it's because your spirit and body are not in communion. It's a natural skill for those who have souls, so you should take a long look at your life and figure some things out if you're having a rough time skipping a stone.

The first step to skipping rocks is finding some smooth stones, like the ones in the picture above. You'll notice that some of these rocks are a little large and not terribly round. These are the rocks that you give to the other competitors.

Adam (Senior Adventurer, 2nd class), trying to skip a trick rock

Now that you have your rocks, assemble the weakest and smallest of your relatives for a rousing game of Skip the Rock (the Indian name for it, probably).

REMEMBER: Don't let your dad play, because he's somehow better than you at everything.

Dad (Senior Adventurer, 1st class), destroying us even with his faulty old-person joints

The most important thing to remember about skipping rocks is that, no matter how many or few skips you get, you must always brag about it. If you get one skip, it had better make a huge splash (or, conversely, the smallest splash). If you accept failure, you accept the sad existence of a non-adventurer.

Of equal importance is form:

The rock may have skipped only once, but I look incredible doing it

As the game goes on, more people will likely join, thinking that they're somehow involved. Allow it. This brings me to a vital point: Do not skip rocks in the same area where you found them. Search for the best rocks elsewhere so that, if anyone joins your game in play, they will only find the worst rocks and you will look like some sage of rock skipping.

FUN TIP: If anyone finds your rock-gathering area, threaten them with death.

Our playing field, where only the most lopsided rocks rest

You may be wondering, fellow adventurer, why I have not discussed how to throw rocks or the ideal amount of skips. What a fascinating question that I don't care about AT ALL.

Conclusion: Adventure In Progress. Also, old people are deceptively skilled.

An old person makes us look stupid

Adam, having taken second place, enacts a variation on the B-Boy stance

Join us next time for Campfire Cuisine!

The most Anticlimactic Adventure: The Polished Stones

What a magical day, fellow adventurer!

It has been seven days since we put the rocks in for the polish phase. This means it's time to check out your handiwork! Descend the staircase into the pit of Hell that you call a basement and retrieve the cylinder from the tumbler. On the way back up, be sure to look out for spiders! If they follow you upstairs, they will set up camp in your room and deposit egg sacs in you ears.

Head outside with the cylinder to spray off the rocks, because they will be filthy with slurry.

Admittedly, slurry looks like a delicious paste

Attach a spray nozzle to the hose and turn it on full blast, because the ensuing splatter of slurry on your feet and clothes will make the statement, "I'm an adventurer," to anyone who sees you. Once you've sprayed the muck off, take the cylinder inside and dump the rock out. Do they look exactly the same as before? Good! They look like this because the rocks themselves are trying to make you doubt yourself. Place them in a pitcher with water to wash off the film that is clearly hiding the polish.

These are rocks. They are in water.

After you've let them sit for a while, take the rocks out and dry them on the same hand towel you use to wash dishes, clean up messes, and eat off of in cases where you're out of clean plates. After you've wrapped the rocks up in the towel, wait until your roommate asks to see the rocks. Tell him that they aren't quite dry yet. When he persists, try to tell him an interesting story. He will tell you that he doesn't care about your high school debate trip and that he just wants to see the rocks. Now they're ready!

The dullness is just a trick of the light (and by "the light" I mean "fate")

Deny that you've done anything wrong.

REMEMBER: You are incapable of making mistakes.

There is one extra step when rocks are like this. Put the rocks back in the cylinder with water and bleach-free powdered soap. Run the tumbler for two days and hope that you haven't wasted four weeks on a fruitless effort.

Conclusion: Adventure In Progress! Also, none of this is your fault, it's all someone else's fault, you're so perfect.

Wish me luck, fellow adventurer!

The (al)Most Complete Adventure: The Polishing Phase

 What a momentous day, fellow adventurer!

As you well know, fellow adventurer, the rocks have been going through the pre-polish phase. Well, they can't pre-polish forever! Eventually you'll have to head back down into your terrifying basement and just deal with the horrors that await you. It's time to get them started on the final phase, the polish!

The first step is to head downstairs. Many adventurers won't get past this step because they either are paralyzed with mortal fear or they forget that they have rocks tumbling downstairs and let them go a couple extra days and would rather not find out if anything has exploded. But the true adventurer will head downstairs, cautiously making his way to the corner where the noise of rocks smashing against each other sounds eerily like a troll eating the bones of foolish humans (any adventurer worth his salt knows that noise).

Once you have the cylinder in your sight and can verify that the noise is coming from inside it, shut off the tumbler, grab your rocks, and run. 

REMEMBER: A good adventurer knows that there is probably a troll in the basement regardless of whether he can hear it or not. The most dangerous troll is the silent troll who lives in the firewood room!

Now that you're upstairs, head out back where you can flush the slop out of the cylinder with the hose. Make sure the pressure is high, because splashing rock slurry on your pants is the only way to prove to your friends that you participated in an adventure today!

 Slurry, waiting to transfer itself to my clothes

With your cylinder of clean rocks, head back inside.

MULTITASK TIP: Wait ten minutes until you remember to turn off the hose. This way you can water a small portion of your lawn while you work on your rocks!

Your rocks should look about the same as they did before. This is good! The adventurer thrives on the fear that he has done something wrong. If you feel like crying, no problem! Let it out, fellow adventurer!

The same rocks as last week, but markedly smaller! Success!

To see if the pre-polish phase has taken, place a rock on a towel and sprinkle a little of the polish powder on it. Now scrub until the rock shines. If it doesn't shine, the instructions say to  put the rocks back in the pre-polish solution for another 24 hours.

REMEMBER: The instructions are useless. Just get on with the polish phase.

Toss the rocks back into the cylinder with some fresh water and the polish powder. Prep yourself for what may be your final trip to the basement and final moments on Earth. Rush down, put the cylinder on the tumbler, start it up, run for your life. 

Now we're polishing, fellow adventurer!

Conclusion: Adventure In Progress. Also, maybe you should put the tumbler in the garage next time.

The Most Intermediate Adventure: Pre-Polishing the Rocks

What a grand day for an adventure, fellow adventurer!

It has been 3-5 days (time is fairly inconsequential to an adventurer!) since we started step 2 of the rock polishing process. That means it's time to check on our rocks, fellow adventurer! Head down to the basement and grab your cylinder. Inside, there should be a good amount of slurry (or, "icky stuff") as you can see in the photo above. This means you're doing it right (probably)!

But do we want all that residue to stay for the next step? The instructions say, "No!" And as much as I hate to agree with the instructions, that slurry sure is gross. So clean that out!

FUN TIP: Pour the slurry in your toilet and flush it down. Check every ten minutes for a surprise! Remember to wear Boots!

 A perfect shot of three-quarters of our shed, ruined by me washing out the slurry with a hose

Now that you've disposed of all that old grit and grime, it's time to make some more! Dump out the stones in a colander (because that's the first thing you see and it'll siphon off the extra water or something) and check out the work you've already done.

A bowl of damp rocks? Or a bowl of ADVENTURE?

Your rocks will be wet (as a consequence of sitting in water) and will look shiny enough to glue some googly eyes on and sell to your neighbor's kid for obscenely high prices (because he's a kid and dumb enough to pay). But beware! Rocks are tricky. Wait a minute and let them dry off. Now you'll see their treachery! While the grit has worn off the sharp edges of the stones, it has done little to polish them. So shove them back in the barrel for a couple more weeks of beatings.

After you've put the rocks and water into the cylinder, add four tablespoons of pre-polish powder (the book says six, but you'll realize after four that six is the whole bag and you're too adventurous (cheap) to go out and buy more). Swish it around (because, even though the rocks are about to tumble for a week and the powder will inevitably get mixed in, an adventurer likes to feel like he has helped the process along). Now you're ready to start round three of tumbling!

Back to the basement!

Like children, the tumbler should neither be seen nor heard until you go to check and see if they're still moving every other day (that's what my parents did, fellow adventurer!). So sit back, relax, take off your shoes, and go wash your feet, fellow adventurer, because they stink of progress!

Conclusion: Adventure in progress. Also, I'm starting to realize why my parents don't take me out in public.

The Most Illegal Adventure?: The First Rock Hunt of Summer

Good afternoon, fellow adventurer!

After I purchased my rock tumbler (which was a steal, fellow adventurer!), I figured that, with the 3-6 weeks it takes to polish stones, I should go out and find some rocks. I rolled out of bed at about ten o' clock (the weekender's six a.m.) and got ready to go out in search for the finest stones. Thankfully, Logan has a lot of nature. But with all that nature, I knew I'd need a co-adventurer! So I grabbed my pal, Brad Brough (Junior Adventurer 1st class) and hauled him along for the search. 

Brad, wasting all his water before we've even begun

Two important things to remember about hunting for rocks: First, it might be illegal (it's that whole "take nothing but pictures, leave nothing but footprints" thing). I'll be honest with you, fellow adventurer, I don't really know the rules up in Logan Canyon. But the adventurer acts first and deals with the consequences later! The second thing to remember is, rocks don't have families, so don't worry about separating them from their loved ones. They don't have any! Rocks are the orphans of the natural world!

These rocks don't even know what love is!

As I mentioned in my post about the rock tumbler, if you find smooth rocks that have already been worked over by streams (or "rivers" as we Utahans call them), you can skip the first step of rock tumbling. Shortcuts are an adventurer's favorite thing! 

Some call it cheating.

So look in the rivers for stones that catch your eye!

Brad, excited to be in his natural habitat

Look for colors, even subdued ones, that catch your eye. Maybe the polishing will bring the colors out (I really don't know, this is my first time)! But be careful, fellow adventurer! Watch your co-adventurer closely, because he might make a series of bad decisions in the face of so much adventure. 

Brad, calling upon the spirit of the mighty gazelle 

Brad, returning to shore. Sadly, unharmed 

Once you've collected about three pounds of rocks or are sick of walking, pack up and turn around. If you're still afraid that what you're doing is less than legal, make sure you have the right carrying sack:

If anyone stops us, we can just say the bag is full of dog poops!

If anyone asks us where our dog is, we can say we lost him!

If anyone offers to help us find the dog, we can push them in the

stream and make a break for it!

The best part of living near Cache National Forest is that it has so many uses! 

So many!

So make use of what you have around you, fellow adventurer, and happy hunting!

When we returned home, I pulled out the rock tumbler and the instruction booklet that comes with it (which I have half a mind to burn, because who needs it?) and got to work on setting up the barrel for tumbling. 

The best part about instruction is that you can skip most of them!

While I read instructions, Brad took this picture, because he's extremely vain! 

If I give it a caption, he wins

I filled the barrel with rocks, grit, and water (because the book said I had to) and swished it around a little (because I figured the tumbler shouldn't have to do all the work). I oiled up the bearings on the tumbler with vegetable oil (because it's what I had and I don't want to know if it's the wrong thing to do so back off) to make sure the rods would turn without heating up and exploding (which probably happens). I was ready! 

A barrel full of soon to be beautiful rocks (which I have no idea what to do with)

The book told me to find a good solid surface to put the tumbler. So I put it down in the basement on the floor (where, if it explodes, it has the least possibility of waking me up while I'm trying to sleep). The basement of our house is incredible. The owner, Jonathan, used to paint down there, so there's a lot of great, weird, terrifying, nightmare-inducing stuff! 

Haha! No thanks! Adventurers deal with reality!

We found a little corner of the room where we could hide the tumbler from my roommate, Mike, who doesn't believe in adventure. Now came the moment of truth: turning on the machine and hoping it wouldn't explode.  

 For many lapidarists (rock-hounds), this is the last thing they ever see

Well, it clearly didn't explode, fellow adventurer, because I wrote this. But weren't you on the edge of your seat with suspense? Of course you were.

Actually, the tumbler is pretty quiet, which makes sense since it's simulating a stream or waterfall with it's gentle motion. I'll try to make it louder next time. Maybe I'll put all the rocks in the washer for the next step!

Conclusion: Adventure in progress. Also, Junior Adventurers should only be adventurous for an hour, tops, or they start making bad decisions and taking pictures of themselves.

Wish me luck, fellow adventurer!

The Longest Adventure: A Lesson in Patience

To make up for yesterday's horrible realization, I decided to fill my day with adventure. I woke up early and did some push-ups ("some" is generous), ate a nutritious meal (this is actually true), and read from the biography of my great-great-great grandfather (less great now that I know the horrible truth). Then I took a nap. Moments after waking up, I received a text from a good friend in peril (of the mortal variety). Her car had died and she asked who could help. Quick as a whip (1400 feet per second), I responded that I would be over soon.

But first I had to figure out how to jump a car.

SPORTZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!(is jumping a battery considered a sport?

It's something I don't understand, so probably)!!!!!!!!

I had never managed to learn or apply this most basic of skills for the adventurer. But, never fear, fellow adventurer, it's really easy to learn. I just looked it up on the internet (did you know you can find these sorts of things on the internet? What a world!)! But the internet terrified me. Apparently there are a lot of ways that a car can explode when you jump a battery.

Needless to say (but I'll say it just the same, needlessly), I was terrified when I arrived at my friend's apartment. She was leaning against the trunk of her car, ready for help, and I knew that, in a matter of minutes, the entire apartment complex might be blazing cinders.

She popped the hood of her car and I, mine. I attached the cables. I turned on the car. And even though I did exactly what Internet said I shouldn't, nothing blew up.

Conclusion: Adventure accomplished! Also, Internet lies.

I was so stoked with the blazing fire of adventure that I stopped at Harbor Freight Tools (which turned out to be having a sale, fellow adventurer! Get down there, fellow adventurer!) on my way home. In the past couple weeks the desire to buy a rock tumbler has infested my mind like a gaggle of college students at a swanky new malt shoppe (is that still a thing?). Along with my Canadian grandfather's biography, I have been reading my grandpa's (true blue, through and through) biography, as written by his children (mostly American patriots, but I can't be sure). It has summoned up in me the desire to follow in his footsteps. Grandpa was a man of integrity, honesty, and pure adventuring spirit. But those seemed like difficult attributes to work toward (except the adventuring spirit, which I possess in triplicate), so I decided instead to just take on his hobby of rock polishing.

Soon I will be tricking my brother into thinking these are candy!

I figured that, by the end of the day, the spirit of old Gramps would have permeated my soul as we bonded over the polished stones rolling out of the tumbler like a cascading waterfall of dead rats.

So precious! Now add a billion more and kill them.

But, as it turns out, old Gramps (that sly, all-American, dyed-in-the-wool, devil!) was going to teach me his most important attribute: Patience. Each of the four steps of rock polishing takes at least five days (according to the guide book, the guide book which this adventurer is tempted to toss out). So I'll be waiting more than three weeks for each load of polished stones. 

I guess Grandpa had a lot of time on his hands? I'm a busy guy (I'm not (really, like, not at all))! But now I've got a good reason to go for evening walks by the stream, picking out smooth stones and just enjoying nature. Also, if the stone is smooth enough, I get to skip the first week-long tumble (BONUS!).

Conclusion: Adventure in progress! Also, Gramps was sly...sly as a cheetah in a turtle shell!

I really wish I had a picture of that to put right here. Instead, I have this for the next time you jump a battery:

Wish me luck, fellow adventurer!