The Dead Letter Office: The Note I Should Have Left on the Pie in the Fridge

Dear Mom, Dear Dad,

This is a strawberry-raspberry rhubarb pie (even though it looks like soup with chunks of pie crust floating in it (look forward to next week's Adventure Cuisine (because it's how to make pie soup and pretend that it's what you meant to make)!)). I hope you enjoy it (because it will make up for using all the ingredients (flour, sugar, brown sugar, berries, rhubarb, water (which is the one I feel worst about (what are you going to put out all the fires with (there are so many fires (you may have missed it, being gone all week, but Utah is pretty much completely engulfed in flames)!)?)))).

You will notice, I am sure, two of your thousand or so books missing. The first is a copy of Grandpa Pack's biography (because there were a bunch of them and, if I recall, I think one belongs to each of us (though I could be wrong (but even if I am, I'll pretend I'm not (finders keepers!))) and the second is a copy of The Redoubtable John Pack (that word is ridiculous ("redoubtable," I mean (one definition is "worthy of respect," but another is "causing fear or alarm" (I'm just putting that out there to create some contention among family historians)))). I needed them for a paper I'm writing called, "If This Kid's Great-great-great Grandfather Could see what his Descendant was Writing on Facebook, He Would Disown the Prick" (Mom, please don't smack me in the head next time you see me for using the word "prick" (actually, I guess you'd be well within your rights as a mother (after all, you kind of gave birth to me (apparently that's a tough thing (I believe it))))). It's a tentative title, but I think it has a nice ring to it (I'm terrified that I've already used up my "weird title" quota for the semester (also, the paper is only 750 words or so and I don't think I need to do this much research (but I'll do it anyway))). I will return these books (probably (maybe (no promises (you'll probably want to get them yourself)))) once I am done with them.


Here's hoping (this marks the first and, hopefully, last time I ever use that term) that you had a great trip!


Love,


Kendall


P.S. I watered the garden, the raspberries, and the strawberries. I would have mowed the lawn, but I ran out of time (I didn't (it was really hot out (I started working outside at noon (I guess I could have gotten to the lawn later (it wouldn't have been a big deal (it would have been the least I could do for the aforementioned birthing (not to mention putting up with me for so many years (because that's what "raising" a child seems to be in the end)))))))).


P.P.S. Happy Independence Day (though you're reading this on the seventh)!

The Dead Letter Office: What I Should Have Said to my Friend after his Break-up

Hey, Bro (brother),

Don't even worry about it (it being the girl (the girl who broke up with you (I think I'm calling too much attention to it (I'm sorry)))). There're plenty of fish in the sea (though I speak from experience (and cliche) when I say, probably none like her (for example, there was a girl I met a couple years ago who I have never gotten over though we never actually dated (you know her too (I set the two of you up (you went on a couple dates (it was a weird time for me, admittedly)))))).

I bet you'll find a girl soon (not that you'll want to (I know I wouldn't want to (I feel sometimes like the need to move on spawns from a push to get married within the culture (and the push works (sometimes I'm afraid I'll die alone (which is common, I think)))))).

I know what you're going through (I don't (I've never been dumped out of nowhere (I once broke up with a girl because she liked me too much (it was pretty ridiculous (I've still never apologized for it))))).

Keep strong, man (which is my way of saying, "Don't express you emotions man" (maybe it's because I don't like to feel (by which I mean, it's hard for me to empathize (I lack a lot of basic human emotions (which I make up for by exaggerating all my emotions as a joke (but then, that may just be an excuse to act amoral (if so, it works))))))).

Sincerely,

Kendall

The Dead Letter Office: What I should have said to those who wished me a Happy Birthday

Dear friends, family, and acquaintances (who I have lost touch with (by laziness on my part)),

Thank you for the birthday wishes (even the ones that made my mother cringe (maybe I should get new friends (just kidding (maybe I should be glad I have friends at all)))). I'm glad to have you in my life (though I don't express that (because we never talk (and I can hardly blame that on you (you're so busy (relatively (I don't even have a job)))))).

It's been a good twenty-four years (I hope (I haven't really asked for outside opinions (please don't tell me (unless you think I really need to know (even though I don't want to)))))! Let's hope it'll be many more (at least, I hope you hope so (but it's cool if you're indifferent (mainly I just hope you don't want me dead (you don't, right?)))).

You've all been so good to me (regardless of how I've acted towards you (I know I can be less than cordial (and inconsistent))). I'm grateful for your friendship (so maybe we can talk some time (by which I mean, maybe I can stop being such a shut-in and talk to you some time (that is, if you aren't tired of my rambling (which is one of my more constant fears)))).

I hope you all have a great year (I say, because I know I'll forget to wish you happy birthday)!

Sincerely (probably),
Kendall