Tuesday, January 22, 2013

The Most Inhumane Adventure: Raising Sea Monkeys (Part 2)

 What a waste of countless lives, fellow adventurer!

Now that your water is purified, it's time to pour in the instant live eggs. Keep in mind, you should still be working under the illusion that no eggs were in the water purifying packet and that the manufacturer would never lie to you. Your ignorance will improve the adventure!

Tear open packet number 2 and pour it into the pure, crystal-clear waters.

Sending millions to the slaughterhouse that is the aquarium

FUN FACT: The dye in the package is meant to instantly color the already hatched sea monkeys, making them visible and tricking you into thinking that water magically revives them. However, if you did it right, the dye will just settle at the bottom and do nothing, because all your sea monkeys are dead.

Now stand back and watch as your new pets do nothing but wait in their eggs, hoping to hatch, but knowing deep inside that death is an inevitability they soon must face. 

On the off-chance that they don't die immediately, they will probably awaken in 20 years or so, once man has been all but extinguished by the machines.

Look at how clear the water still is! That is not the goal!

If you decide to move to part 3, feeding and raising the sea monkeys, good for you, fellow adventurer! I'm not going to help you with that one!

Conclusion: Adventure Accomplished (because I say it is)! Also, do sea monkeys feel pain in their cryptobiotic state?

Until next crime, fellow adventurer! (Get it? I replaced time with crime. Very funny)

Monday, January 14, 2013

The Most Inhumane Adventure: Raising Sea Monkeys (Part 1)

What a misleading product, fellow adventurer!

Hip, Hip, Hooray, Fellow Adventurer! Winter is almost over (not nearly) and Spring shall spring (there's no end in sight)! And with that sunny tomorrow comes the blessing of Adventure. You're welcome, Fellow Adventurer!

Today we're learning how to raise Sea Monkeys, those glorious antiquities of the past! If you were a child in the late fifties and early sixties, then you remember Sea Monkeys (or you're dead (or deep in the stages of dementia)). If not, you've probably heard tell of them from old folks on a visit to your local retirement community.

For those of you who want to know what it's like to play God (poorly), Sea Monkeys are a great start.

FUN FACT: Sea Monkeys are actually brine shrimp, horrifically frozen in time, not sure when or if they'll ever awaken.

The first step to raising your new pets is to forget that they're in the back of your car for a few days. The below-zero temperatures and long nights can't possibly hurt them. They've already been frozen once! 

Once you remember them, pull the package out of the car and bring it inside. Open it up and disregard the instructions.

These are the instructions. Are they sideways? Good! You don't need to read them.

Now that the package is open, fill the container with water. The water should be at room temperature.

TIP: If it isn't 76 degrees in the room, then maybe the package should say 76 degrees instead of room temperature, because that's confusing to some people (not me).

Too much water in the tank? Thirsty? Two Birds! One Stone!

 If you don't get this part right, the Sea Monkeys will die (they'll die anyway)

Now that the water's in, pull out the water purifier packet.

It's this one!

Two days after you put the water purifier in the water, look the process up online. There you'll discover that the water purifier actually has some of the eggs and is the manufacturer's way of tricking poor young adventurers into thinking that the Sea Monkeys appear immediately after you pour in the package marked "Live Eggs."

FUN FACT: You have been and will continue to be lied to your entire life.

Pouring in the "Water Purifier" (preemptive Sea Monkey strike force)

Your water is now ready for the eggs (in a day, calm down). Let it sit for 24 hours before moving on to part two of our adventure. In the meantime, now that you've poured in the first package, it's a good time to fish the instructions out of the garbage and read them.

 Surprise! You probably just committed genocide!

Conclusion: Adventure In Progress! Also, if you've just killed millions of brine shrimp, plane tickets are cheap post-holiday season!

See you for part two, Fellow Adventurer!