Sunday, July 8, 2012

The Most Symbolic Adventure: Climbing a Mountain

What a day, fellow adventurer!

Today I will teach you how to climb a mountain properly (you've been doing it wrong all these years)! This an adventure best enjoyed in tandem, so call up co-adventurer and find yourself a mountain! The best way to choose another adventurer is to sit in your air-conditioned house all day eating candy. I know what you're thinking, fellow adventurer. You're thinking, "What sort of candy should I snack on while I wait for adventure to set upon me?" Here's the menu:

1 bag of Starburst FaveReds
1 bag (medium) of peanut butter M&M's
1 bag of Good&Plenty's (definitely plenty! I have no comment on the other part!)
1 bag of Munchies (careful! There's lots of pretzels in there to deter overeating! AVOID THE PRETZELS)

After you have snacked for approximately a while, respond to the seemingly distant nagging of a co-adventurer sitting beside you. He will, of course, be wondering aloud if he can attend your next adventure (because everyone wants a piece of adventure). He will be saying something like, "Kendall, let's have an adventure!" To which you will reply, "Sure, I've got nothing else to do," through a mouthful of Munchies.

Today's co-adventurer is Junior Adventurer 1st class Jordan Todd Brown. Jordan was born in a wooden barrel, where he spent the first few years of his infancy, rolling from town to town and working odd jobs to keep himself fed. Once, he wrestled a mangy coyote, just for kicks! Now he spends most of his time embodying the adventuring spirit by going outside, drinking unfiltered water, and getting dirt on his face. He truly is an adventurer among (junior) adventurers!

Jordan, ready to rock (climb) and (hopefully not) roll

As you can see by the massive sign behind my head in the picture at the top, we were once again in Cache National Forest: Land of Many Uses. But you can pick another (less adventurous) forest if you want (because you are weak)! You can find other spots for adventure by visiting your local wherever they have maps and stuff!

Now that you're in prime mountain-climbing wilderness, the first step is to plan to take a leisurely stroll down a well worn and gentle path. Do you have your water bottle? I got mine for free because I'm friends with rich people who have a predisposition for handing these things out. But you may have to purchase one. I'd suggest buying the cheapest one that isn't made of cardboard or getting a generous rich friend. Make sure your water bottle is full of liquid (whatever you want, I don't judge, but I suggest you steer clear of milk).

The second step on your mountain-climbing adventure is to find yourself on a side trail that looked interesting but turned out to be a steep scramble up a slippery slope rather than a gentle day hike.

REMEMBER: Do not wuss out. Your adventuring spirit chose this path for you, so deal with it.

Jordan, reverting to the quadrupedal form of our ancestor, the unicorn

As you scramble desperately up the hill, fellow adventurer, keep in mind the constant possibility of your feet slipping and you receiving a faceful of sharp rocks. This will really get that adrenaline pumping! 

After a while, you will find solid footing (we did, so it's probably true everywhere). Take this as an opportunity to have a rest and a photo-op!

Jordan contemplates the long-gone days of old school hip-hop 

Jordan, blocking my shot of the majesty of nature 

Jordan, calling out for a bird to perch on his finger (which he thinks works)

When you reach this spot, it is a good idea to sit down, take a sip from your water bottle, and get light-headed. As you start to feel your head roll with sudden sickness, remember that all you've had to eat today was candy. Do you feel the urge to throw up? Good! This means that your body hates you for what you've done to it (remember the Hash-Patties?). 

Me, trying to smile but feeling only the cold grip of death

After a few more sips of water, the third step in you journey is to decide to go on (or wuss out, if you're a wuss (Definition of Wuss: you, if you give up and turn around)). Your co-adventurer may be questioning your physical well-being and therefore your adventuring spirit, so climb on ahead to show him who's boss.

REMEMBER: YOU are the boss! Unless I am your co-adventurer, in which case, I am boss.

The fourth step to your journey is to find something that will prove beyond any doubt your adventuring spirit. Look for anything that might be deemed dangerous and cause your mother to think seriously about what song should be sung at your funeral. We chose a rock wall!

The perfect proof of adventuring spirit

If you're wary of death, here's a tip: send up your co-adventurer first! He (or she, everyone's an adventurer!) is always willing to do whatever you ask since he previously begged for you to take him on an adventure. If you go this route, it is important to stand clear of the wall as your co-adventurer will be careless and kick dirt and rocks down at you (maybe out of spite). 

Jordan, yelling out his barbaric "yawp!" 

Jordan, admitting he was terrified the whole time (common for Junior Adventurers)

Now it is your turn to climb! Muster up all your courage, fellow adventurer! This is the culmination of your effort! 

REMEMBER: There's a good chance you will die. Start thinking about what you want in your will and tell your co-adventurer. 

The mighty adventurer (me, of course), surveying the entirety of nature 

The mighty adventurer, stalling because he's terrified to climb back down (not necessarily me) 

The mighty adventurer, wiping his tears on his sweaty sleeve (ouch!) 

Two mighty adventurers (not actually sideways, but this adventurer is too lazy to rotate the photo)

Now comes the fifth and best step of the journey: The trip back. If you are in an area where rocks are constantly breaking off of the mountain (great when your halfway up the wall), you will have a trail littered with stones in the process of making their way down to the trail where they will bounce off the heads of unsuspecting joggers. These rocks can be used to your advantage!  

Rock surfing 

Rock surfing, U.S.A. 

Now that you've made your way down the mountain, look back at it and pat yourself on the back. You just had an adventure!

We made it almost 1/4th of the way up that!

Fellow adventurer, the mountain climb is perhaps the most important adventure for you to accomplish. It symbolizes life (because life often drops rocks on your head). The sooner and more often you can climb the physical mountains of life, the better prepared you'll be to face the symbolic mountains (eating at a buffet, attending family reunions, socializing in general). So find a mountain and conquer (some of) it! 

 Conclusion: Adventure accomplished (because I never said I was climbing the whole thing, back off)! Also, junior adventurers have a rough time with personal cleanliness.

Jordan, filthy

Now listen to this song about other things that people do on mountains that you shouldn't:


  1. So glad you worked a barbaric yawp into your adventure! That kicks it up to the next level, in my opinion.

  2. Mountain climbing is one of the hottest sports, you should give it a try. It is a sport that requires you to practice, to prepare and to get yourself ready for the next level of discipline. But before giving it a try, you should equip yourself first with the knowledge on how you can simply enjoy this wonderful sport.

    climbing advice