It's a bit of a shock to discover after twenty-three celebrations of Independence Day that your great-great-great-great grandfather was indentured to a loyalist and raised a family in Canada. George married Phylotte Greene (daughter of another freedom-hater) and the couple made a bunch of babies. My great-great-great grandfather, John Pack, was born in Canada, a Canadian citizen through and through.
Why didn't you tell me? Did you think I'd never find out?
Fellow adventurer, I'm going through a bit of an identity crisis. I always knew that British blood ran through my veins. But Canadian? It's something I'll have to work through for a long time, and even then, I don't think I can ever be okay with it.
But, you say, there are so many good Canadian things! The following is a list! Will Arnett! Nathan Fillion! Ellen Page! Ryan Gosling! A whole bunch of other people!
Okay, interesting argument. But what about all the awful things Canada has given us?
- Paul Kenneth Bernrdo with Karla Homolka
- Wayne Boden
- John Martin Crawford
Russell Maurice Johnson
- William Patrick Fyfe
- Gilbert Paul Jordan
- Allan Legere
- Clifford Robert Olson Junior
- Robert 'Willie' Pickton
- Peter Woodcock
I'll be honest, that is just a list of the top ten Canadian serial killers. But also, Tom Green is Canadian and so is that awful flag.
Like a dead leaf, Canada will always be (op)pressed in the pages of history, and they will deserve it
Fellow adventurer, this next week will be so chock-full of adventure that I hope you will forget about the horrible truth of my lineage. I understand if you can't. I know I never will.
Also, I'm never reading about the past again.