Thursday, July 5, 2012

Moments of Weakness: The Darkest Family Secret

Around 1783, a bunch of scumbag loyalists turned tail and got out of Dodge (New York), fleeing to New Brunswick. One of those traitors to freedom was name Stephen Kent, and he ruined my life. Because with him, probably carrying the suitcases and asking why they were leaving Real America for Imitation America, was a thirteen-year-old orphan boy named George Pack.

It's a bit of a shock to discover after twenty-three celebrations of Independence Day that your great-great-great-great grandfather was indentured to a loyalist and raised a family in Canada. George married Phylotte Greene (daughter of another freedom-hater) and the couple made a bunch of babies. My great-great-great grandfather, John Pack, was born in Canada, a Canadian citizen through and through.

Why didn't you tell me? Did you think I'd never find out?

Fellow adventurer, I'm going through a bit of an identity crisis. I always knew that British blood ran through my veins. But Canadian? It's something I'll have to work through for a long time, and even then, I don't think I can ever be okay with it.

But, you say, there are so many good Canadian things! The following is a list! Will Arnett! Nathan Fillion! Ellen Page! Ryan Gosling! A whole bunch of other people!

Okay, interesting argument. But what about all the awful things Canada has given us? 
  1. Paul Kenneth Bernrdo with Karla Homolka
  2. Wayne Boden
  3. John Martin Crawford
  4. Russell Maurice Johnson

  5. William Patrick Fyfe
  6. Gilbert Paul Jordan
  7. Allan Legere
  8. Clifford Robert Olson Junior
  9. Robert 'Willie' Pickton
  10. Peter Woodcock
I'll be honest, that is just a list of the top ten Canadian serial killers. But also, Tom Green is Canadian and so is that awful flag.

Like a dead leaf, Canada will always be (op)pressed in the pages of history, and they will deserve it

Fellow adventurer, this next week will be so chock-full of adventure that I hope you will forget about the horrible truth of my lineage. I understand if you can't. I know I never will.

Also, I'm never reading about the past again.


  1. Haha, LOSER!!!. . . Oh wait. . .

  2. I just found out my next roommate is from Canada, maybe you're related.