The Most Familial Adventure: Navigating a Family Campout: How to Hold a Stone-Skipping Competition

How glorious earth's bounty, fellow adventurer!

Earth is a factory, creating many wonderful things. And, much like the factories of old, it takes a long time to make anything because the workers are underpaid and, therefore, lazy. But when the earth pops out a new batch of materials, it's always worth it (unlike the iPhone 5 (which I'm bitter about because I have a flip phone still)). 

One of, if not the, illest of all Earth's creations is rocks. Rocks can be used for heat and throwing. Some say there are other purposes, but those people aren't trustworthy, fellow adventurer. Stay away from them.

The most important sport of all time (and a big contender for new Olympic event, my heart tells me) is skipping rocks. If you can't skip rocks, it's because your spirit and body are not in communion. It's a natural skill for those who have souls, so you should take a long look at your life and figure some things out if you're having a rough time skipping a stone.

The first step to skipping rocks is finding some smooth stones, like the ones in the picture above. You'll notice that some of these rocks are a little large and not terribly round. These are the rocks that you give to the other competitors.

Adam (Senior Adventurer, 2nd class), trying to skip a trick rock

Now that you have your rocks, assemble the weakest and smallest of your relatives for a rousing game of Skip the Rock (the Indian name for it, probably).

REMEMBER: Don't let your dad play, because he's somehow better than you at everything.

Dad (Senior Adventurer, 1st class), destroying us even with his faulty old-person joints

The most important thing to remember about skipping rocks is that, no matter how many or few skips you get, you must always brag about it. If you get one skip, it had better make a huge splash (or, conversely, the smallest splash). If you accept failure, you accept the sad existence of a non-adventurer.

Of equal importance is form:

The rock may have skipped only once, but I look incredible doing it

As the game goes on, more people will likely join, thinking that they're somehow involved. Allow it. This brings me to a vital point: Do not skip rocks in the same area where you found them. Search for the best rocks elsewhere so that, if anyone joins your game in play, they will only find the worst rocks and you will look like some sage of rock skipping.

FUN TIP: If anyone finds your rock-gathering area, threaten them with death.

Our playing field, where only the most lopsided rocks rest

You may be wondering, fellow adventurer, why I have not discussed how to throw rocks or the ideal amount of skips. What a fascinating question that I don't care about AT ALL.

Conclusion: Adventure In Progress. Also, old people are deceptively skilled.

An old person makes us look stupid

Adam, having taken second place, enacts a variation on the B-Boy stance

Join us next time for Campfire Cuisine!

The Most Familial Adventure: Navigating A Family Campout: Contributing at Mealtime

 What a slimy lump of meat, fellow adventurer!

A family outing is incomplete without a dutch oven dinner. If you are going on family outings and not eating dutch oven dinners, you are not an actual family. The dutch oven is the symbol of the crucible that is family togetherness. If you trap a bunch of people in one place for a long time and apply loads of hot coals, they will grow closer together and become one delicious lump. There's probably a less cannibalistic approach, but it works for our purposes.

The first step in cooking a dutch oven dinner is doing whatever your dad tells you too, because you don't actually know how to cook a dutch oven dinner.

REMEMBER: Your only skill is following directions. You are an excellent lackey.

 Only the most trusted lackeys cut the chicken

Now that you've followed a bunch of instructions, you're ready for step two: The step with more instructions. As with all dutch oven dishes, this one requires a lot of barbecue sauce (this is true even of peach cobbler, trust me). So get out your favorite (only) barbecue sauce and start pouring!

FUN TIP: When your mother tells you to pour half the sauce in there, ask your dad how much he thinks should go in. Undoubtedly, he will tell you to put the whole thing in, which is much more fun than half.

One man should not have this much fun (unless that mean is me)!

Now that whatever you just made (I'm really not sure) is ready, it's time to stand around and wait for someone to yell at you. At this point, someone is, without fail, making some sort of potato-based dish. In this case, my mother is making a creamy, cheesy, starchy something with hash browns.

Whatever it is, I'll eat it in the name of adventure 

Now comes the final step of your involvement. Do you think it has something to do with the actual cooking of the food? That's very naive of you.  Your family doesn't trust you with fire, fellow adventurer! Not since you set fire to that paper bag in the middle of your room. Given, that was eighteen years ago, but clearly your family has some trust issues.

But your job is pretty great, even if it doesn't involve fire. Dump a bag of cheese on something!

Peach cobbler? Probably.

Now you're a dutch oven master! Congrats, fellow adventurer!

Conclusion: Adventure In Progress! Also, all things cooked in dutch ovens are peach cobbler at their core with slight variations.

Join us next time for the rock skipping competition!

The Most Familial Adventure: Navigating a Family Campout: Boat Sport Spectating

What a strenuous day, fellow adventurer!

Camping. Freedom. America. These are all words that mean something. In other words (no pun intended, unless you found it funny, in which case, pun fully intended), these are all words that have definitions. We're on part two of our campout adventure, and, fellow adventurer, I'm sure you feel the thick, paste-like blood of a patriot coursing through your veins like never before. Now that you're feeling invigorated, it's a good time to do things that the less adventurous might find stupid.

Specifically, I'm talking about being dragged by a boat at high speeds through frigid water, your arms flailing like wet noodles and your hands blistering with the strain. But for every adventurer out on the open water, there's five more brave souls watching him and hoping that he gets in a spectacular wreck.

Reggie Pack (Senior Adventurer, 2nd Class) riding a flimsy plank of wood

Some adventurers might think they're too good to ride in the boat, deeming it "too safe." But it's a well-documented fact that there are over 300 boat-related deaths since time began. With that in mind, perch yourself on the back of the boat, effectively putting your life in the hands of someone who probably never achieved the rank of captain and may have never even been in the Navy (I'm looking into it, but the chances are pretty slim).

Now that you've come down off of your high horse and agreed to sit in the boat, watch as the first adventurer climbs out and awkwardly flails around in the water. It may take him a few tries to get going, but eventually he'll be up, slicing through the water like a hot knife through the soft skin of a baby deer (which would probably slice through pretty well).

REMEMBER: Even though the wakeboarder can't hear you, shout encouragement/discouragement anyway, because it feels good to be included.

Reggie, showing off like a jerk

Now it's your turn to ride the waves, fellow adventure!

SUBSTITUTION TIP: Instead of getting out of the boat, where it's cold and decidedly more "drowny," stay on your comfortable seat and claim that you need to take pictures for posterity's sake.

Conclusion: Adventure In Progress! Also, Reggie's display of fancy tricks may just get him demoted for making me look bad.

Join me next time when we make a dutch oven dinner!

The Most Familial Adventure: Navigating a Family Campout: Getting There

Adventure, ahoy, fellow adventurer!

The family campout is perhaps the most dreaded adventure. In some families, it's an annual terror. We live in constant fear that, at any time, we could have a trip to the backwoods dropped on us. The most important way to deal with that terror is to fuel it with speculation on the myriad ways in which you might be killed on this campout.

REMINDER: You will probably die.

Let's say you and your family are headed to Red Fish Lake in Idaho for a fun-filled week. What should you pack? That's your problem and I refuse to help you. However, I will suggest that you "forget" to bring a swimsuit as an excuse to not enter into a long swim with your overzealous brother. It's not worth the lake water you imbibe in the process.

Once you and your family arrive at the marina, unpack your gear in the hopes that someone at the campsite on the other side of the lake magically knows you're there, since cell phone reception is a bust. After waiting for twenty minutes, some less-experienced adventurers might pack up and leave to find a campsite on the marina-side of the lake. But not the King. Let the others drive off while you wait for the boat. It will show up. Probably.

REMINDER: It will show up, I swear it will...won't it?

Once the boat shows up, gather the family.

FUN TIP: Since you can't contact your family via cell phone, run around the parking lot for a while, cursing your own stupidity. Eventually they'll come back!

Load up the boat and set out across the lake. Since the sun is gone, you'll have to create your own light source for the boat. It does not matter how useless your light source is, as long as you feel like you're contributing.

Me and Adam Pack (Senior Adventurer, 2nd class), acting as temporary figureheads for the boat

Once you reach shore, the first step will be to set up a campsite. Putting up tents in the dark is a necessary skill for any adventurer, since the adventurer is, like the jaguar, nocturnal (are jaguars nocturnal?). Tents should be run down and made of paper if you desire to be a true adventurer, but since I've paid my dues (and my dad happens to like luxurious camping), this may be a bit beyond you. 

 Standing room!

Now sleep.

Now wake up.

The first step in the morning will be, of course, to set up the hammock and take a nap.

 The Senior Adventurer in his natural habitat

Eventually, someone will get around to cooking you breakfast. So work up an appetite by going for a morning swim!

SUBSTITUTION TIP: Instead of going for a morning swim, just relax and wait until breakfast. You're probably hungry without the excess effort unless you have some sort of glandular problem.

Jeremy Pack (Senior Adventurer, 2nd Class) cooks some sausage poorly, probably

Now that you've eaten breakfast, you're ready for a day of adventure/terror! Next up: Watching people do dumb things in the water.

Conclusion: Adventure In Progress! Also, I make a pretty attractive figurehead.

Moments of Weakness: The Darkest Family Secret

Around 1783, a bunch of scumbag loyalists turned tail and got out of Dodge (New York), fleeing to New Brunswick. One of those traitors to freedom was name Stephen Kent, and he ruined my life. Because with him, probably carrying the suitcases and asking why they were leaving Real America for Imitation America, was a thirteen-year-old orphan boy named George Pack.

It's a bit of a shock to discover after twenty-three celebrations of Independence Day that your great-great-great-great grandfather was indentured to a loyalist and raised a family in Canada. George married Phylotte Greene (daughter of another freedom-hater) and the couple made a bunch of babies. My great-great-great grandfather, John Pack, was born in Canada, a Canadian citizen through and through.

Why didn't you tell me? Did you think I'd never find out?

Fellow adventurer, I'm going through a bit of an identity crisis. I always knew that British blood ran through my veins. But Canadian? It's something I'll have to work through for a long time, and even then, I don't think I can ever be okay with it.

But, you say, there are so many good Canadian things! The following is a list! Will Arnett! Nathan Fillion! Ellen Page! Ryan Gosling! A whole bunch of other people!

Okay, interesting argument. But what about all the awful things Canada has given us? 

1. Paul Kenneth Bernrdo with Karla Homolka
2. Wayne Boden
3. John Martin Crawford

4. Russell Maurice Johnson

5. William Patrick Fyfe
6. Gilbert Paul Jordan
7. Allan Legere
8. Clifford Robert Olson Junior
9. Robert 'Willie' Pickton
10. Peter Woodcock

I'll be honest, that is just a list of the top ten Canadian serial killers. But also, Tom Green is Canadian and so is that awful flag.

Like a dead leaf, Canada will always be (op)pressed in the pages of history, and they will deserve it

Fellow adventurer, this next week will be so chock-full of adventure that I hope you will forget about the horrible truth of my lineage. I understand if you can't. I know I never will.

Also, I'm never reading about the past again.

The Dead Letter Office: The Note I Should Have Left on the Pie in the Fridge

Dear Mom, Dear Dad,

This is a strawberry-raspberry rhubarb pie (even though it looks like soup with chunks of pie crust floating in it (look forward to next week's Adventure Cuisine (because it's how to make pie soup and pretend that it's what you meant to make)!)). I hope you enjoy it (because it will make up for using all the ingredients (flour, sugar, brown sugar, berries, rhubarb, water (which is the one I feel worst about (what are you going to put out all the fires with (there are so many fires (you may have missed it, being gone all week, but Utah is pretty much completely engulfed in flames)!)?)))).

You will notice, I am sure, two of your thousand or so books missing. The first is a copy of Grandpa Pack's biography (because there were a bunch of them and, if I recall, I think one belongs to each of us (though I could be wrong (but even if I am, I'll pretend I'm not (finders keepers!))) and the second is a copy of The Redoubtable John Pack (that word is ridiculous ("redoubtable," I mean (one definition is "worthy of respect," but another is "causing fear or alarm" (I'm just putting that out there to create some contention among family historians)))). I needed them for a paper I'm writing called, "If This Kid's Great-great-great Grandfather Could see what his Descendant was Writing on Facebook, He Would Disown the Prick" (Mom, please don't smack me in the head next time you see me for using the word "prick" (actually, I guess you'd be well within your rights as a mother (after all, you kind of gave birth to me (apparently that's a tough thing (I believe it))))). It's a tentative title, but I think it has a nice ring to it (I'm terrified that I've already used up my "weird title" quota for the semester (also, the paper is only 750 words or so and I don't think I need to do this much research (but I'll do it anyway))). I will return these books (probably (maybe (no promises (you'll probably want to get them yourself)))) once I am done with them.


Here's hoping (this marks the first and, hopefully, last time I ever use that term) that you had a great trip!


Love,


Kendall


P.S. I watered the garden, the raspberries, and the strawberries. I would have mowed the lawn, but I ran out of time (I didn't (it was really hot out (I started working outside at noon (I guess I could have gotten to the lawn later (it wouldn't have been a big deal (it would have been the least I could do for the aforementioned birthing (not to mention putting up with me for so many years (because that's what "raising" a child seems to be in the end)))))))).


P.P.S. Happy Independence Day (though you're reading this on the seventh)!