Tuesday, September 18, 2012

The Most Familial Adventure: Navigating a Family Campout: How to Hold a Stone-Skipping Competition

How glorious earth's bounty, fellow adventurer!

Earth is a factory, creating many wonderful things. And, much like the factories of old, it takes a long time to make anything because the workers are underpaid and, therefore, lazy. But when the earth pops out a new batch of materials, it's always worth it (unlike the iPhone 5 (which I'm bitter about because I have a flip phone still)). 

One of, if not the, illest of all Earth's creations is rocks. Rocks can be used for heat and throwing. Some say there are other purposes, but those people aren't trustworthy, fellow adventurer. Stay away from them.

The most important sport of all time (and a big contender for new Olympic event, my heart tells me) is skipping rocks. If you can't skip rocks, it's because your spirit and body are not in communion. It's a natural skill for those who have souls, so you should take a long look at your life and figure some things out if you're having a rough time skipping a stone.

The first step to skipping rocks is finding some smooth stones, like the ones in the picture above. You'll notice that some of these rocks are a little large and not terribly round. These are the rocks that you give to the other competitors.

Adam (Senior Adventurer, 2nd class), trying to skip a trick rock

Now that you have your rocks, assemble the weakest and smallest of your relatives for a rousing game of Skip the Rock (the Indian name for it, probably).

REMEMBER: Don't let your dad play, because he's somehow better than you at everything.

Dad (Senior Adventurer, 1st class), destroying us even with his faulty old-person joints

The most important thing to remember about skipping rocks is that, no matter how many or few skips you get, you must always brag about it. If you get one skip, it had better make a huge splash (or, conversely, the smallest splash). If you accept failure, you accept the sad existence of a non-adventurer.

Of equal importance is form:

The rock may have skipped only once, but I look incredible doing it

As the game goes on, more people will likely join, thinking that they're somehow involved. Allow it. This brings me to a vital point: Do not skip rocks in the same area where you found them. Search for the best rocks elsewhere so that, if anyone joins your game in play, they will only find the worst rocks and you will look like some sage of rock skipping.

FUN TIP: If anyone finds your rock-gathering area, threaten them with death.

Our playing field, where only the most lopsided rocks rest

You may be wondering, fellow adventurer, why I have not discussed how to throw rocks or the ideal amount of skips. What a fascinating question that I don't care about AT ALL.

Conclusion: Adventure In Progress. Also, old people are deceptively skilled.

An old person makes us look stupid

Adam, having taken second place, enacts a variation on the B-Boy stance

Join us next time for Campfire Cuisine!


  1. So true. Fathers are better at skipping rocks than you or you or you.