Logan Out Loud: When the Fans Attack

What a rapturous Summer eve, fellow adventurer!

On Saturday, the members of Logan Out Loud gathered on Trent Hunsaker's front porch, ate Jordan Todd Brown's pizza, and congratulated Taylor Miles on another successfully navigated birthday as they waited for the arrival of an audience. 

Little did our improvisionaries know what horrors would momentarily befall them. Soon, small groups of people appeared on the horizon, carrying blankets and lawn chairs. They began to fill Trent's backyard like so many carrion birds on a stinking carcass. 

After about thirty people, things started looking grim. But this was not the end. That comes after the denouement!

In a matter of a half-hour, things had gotten entirely out of hand!

Look at them! Hungry for the kill!

The members of Logan Out Loud called upon their courage in the hopes that they might somehow appease the ravenous crowd as well as their mighty improv god, Blaydor, whose hoof seemed poised to stamp out all life in the yard. 

With that unknowable, unconscionable, unbeatable courage, Logan Out Loud had a pretty decent show. Somewhere between fifty and sixty people huddled in Trent's backyard to enjoy some comedy. That was enough to inspire Logan Out Loud to keep up the fight for another few millenia!

Also, no rocks were thrown, so let's chalk that up as a win!

This is the denouement

The End

Or is it?

(In one sense it is, because it's the end of this particular story, but in another sense, it isn't, so it depends on what "end" you're looking for)

(Or does it (it does)?)

The (al)Most Complete Adventure: The Polishing Phase

 What a momentous day, fellow adventurer!

As you well know, fellow adventurer, the rocks have been going through the pre-polish phase. Well, they can't pre-polish forever! Eventually you'll have to head back down into your terrifying basement and just deal with the horrors that await you. It's time to get them started on the final phase, the polish!

The first step is to head downstairs. Many adventurers won't get past this step because they either are paralyzed with mortal fear or they forget that they have rocks tumbling downstairs and let them go a couple extra days and would rather not find out if anything has exploded. But the true adventurer will head downstairs, cautiously making his way to the corner where the noise of rocks smashing against each other sounds eerily like a troll eating the bones of foolish humans (any adventurer worth his salt knows that noise).

Once you have the cylinder in your sight and can verify that the noise is coming from inside it, shut off the tumbler, grab your rocks, and run. 

REMEMBER: A good adventurer knows that there is probably a troll in the basement regardless of whether he can hear it or not. The most dangerous troll is the silent troll who lives in the firewood room!

Now that you're upstairs, head out back where you can flush the slop out of the cylinder with the hose. Make sure the pressure is high, because splashing rock slurry on your pants is the only way to prove to your friends that you participated in an adventure today!

 Slurry, waiting to transfer itself to my clothes

With your cylinder of clean rocks, head back inside.

MULTITASK TIP: Wait ten minutes until you remember to turn off the hose. This way you can water a small portion of your lawn while you work on your rocks!

Your rocks should look about the same as they did before. This is good! The adventurer thrives on the fear that he has done something wrong. If you feel like crying, no problem! Let it out, fellow adventurer!

The same rocks as last week, but markedly smaller! Success!

To see if the pre-polish phase has taken, place a rock on a towel and sprinkle a little of the polish powder on it. Now scrub until the rock shines. If it doesn't shine, the instructions say to  put the rocks back in the pre-polish solution for another 24 hours.

REMEMBER: The instructions are useless. Just get on with the polish phase.

Toss the rocks back into the cylinder with some fresh water and the polish powder. Prep yourself for what may be your final trip to the basement and final moments on Earth. Rush down, put the cylinder on the tumbler, start it up, run for your life. 

Now we're polishing, fellow adventurer!

Conclusion: Adventure In Progress. Also, maybe you should put the tumbler in the garage next time.

The Most Cerebral Adventure: The Pub Quiz

So many mixed emotions, fellow adventurer!

One of the attributes most prized among the adventurers is that of immense trivial knowledge. Many non-adventurers will tell you (jealously) that your knowledge of the Civil War or the entire IMDB website will get you nowhere in life. But we adventurers know that there is a place where the master of trivia is elevated to the high status of King Smarty-Pants: The Pub Quiz.

For years, Logan, Utah has been bereft of such an opportunity. But a month ago, two fine gentleman decided to bring this tradition to our local bar and grill.

Trent Hunsaker (using his partner as a human shield to defend against projectile mugs)

 and Jordan Brown (slightly taller than he is in reality). purveyors of the finest Pub Quizzeries 

These two men run the Zeroes N' Heroes Trivia Challenge at Logan's Beehive Bar and Grill every Tuesday at 7:00 p.m. Now, adventurers salivate at the simple suggestion of "Pub Quiz." But others, understandably, live in constant fear of such activities. For the fearful who wish to become adventurers, I, King of Adventurers, offer you this simple tutorial on the Pub Quiz experience.

The first step in participating in the Pub Quiz is coming up with a team name that is simultaneously unique, humorous, and offensive (offensiveness always trumps humor in this situation, so if you need to sacrifice one attribute, let the offensiveness be the humor). Our team name for the week was Planned Parenthood/The Morning After (we chose both because it was a disservice to pick only one). Now, while there is nothing inherently humorous in those names, the offensiveness of using them in a light-hearted fashion makes chuckles erupt from the most stoic of Pub Quizzarians.

Now that you have a great name, it's time to learn some trivia! Go online and surf the web for ten minutes before getting stuck in a loop for two hours before you realize that maybe your entire day (possibly your entire life) has been wasted collecting trivia. Cool off that self-loathing with a couple humorous/kitten-filled videos! You feel better already, fellow adventurer!

It's time to head over to the Pub Quiz. Head over a little late so that you can be excluded from the main group. Spend a couple minutes looking forlornly at your teammates who avoid your gaze as though it was the stare of Medusa. After failing to elicit any sympathy, find a seat at an empty table, yards away.

The team, breaking my heart

Now it's time to start! As your team begins to answer every question correctly, convince yourself that you're an outside consultant who is needed as a fresh set of eyes. Wander over to their table often, checking their answers and offering thumbs-ups and head-nods.

QUICK TIP: Your friends need you. They feel really bad about not having a spot for you. They are planning a surprise party for you. They love you, no matter what they say.

Two "N's" in Anna, guys, but good job!

Watch as your team wipes the floor with the past week's winner as well as any other hopefuls. But be ever-vigilant, fellow adventurer! The one question they don't know the answer to may come along. For example: Which American Idol judge quit the show last Friday? Now, most people will answer Steven Tyler, since his image is forever burned into their minds (his face is the face of my nightmares). But what you know that the others may not is that Steven Tyler quit on Thursday, making the answer Jennifer Lopez. How do you know this? Because on Friday you were talking to your mother as she read the newspaper, and she noted, "What is Steven Tyler?" Meaning, of course, that Steven Tyler was in the paper on Friday for Thursday's news of his leaving. That leaves Jennifer Lopez (because Randy Jackson's heart is in a glass jar in the producer's office)!

Thanks to your one correct answer, your team wins. Celebrate by standing close to them and feeling their collective glory wash over you.

REMEMBER: You are the most important member of the team. They couldn't have won without you. You are their lucky charm. Right?

 Mike Grover and Brock Champlin, awash with winner's glory

 The only way to truly complete a night of Pub Quizzery is to laugh at the losers. And there are so many of them!

Losers, sobbing

REMEMBER: Winners may someday become losers, so make fun of them while you can. If you are a loser, remind yourself that all winners are cheaters.

Conclusion: Adventure Accomplished! Also, your friends think you're great, no matter how much they refuse to acknowledge you.

Best of luck on your trivial pursuits (please don't sue me, Trivial Pursuit), fellow adventurer!

Moments of Weakness: My Great-Great-Great Granddad can't beat up your Great-Great-Great Granddad

After finding out that I'm descended from Canadians, I figured my family's position in history could sink no lower. But I made the mistake of continuing to read about John Pack's exploits this week. John was a rough-around-the-edges pioneer who didn't only make spelling errors, but spelled the same words incorrectly in a variety of ways (Example: Know became "no, knoe, now"). He served as a leader during the migration of the Latter-Day Saints from Missouri to Utah. Why was he chosen? Because he was strong, smart, and tough as the nails he was born on (note to self: check accuracy of "born on nails" statement). So you'd think he wouldn't manage to get himself beat up too often.

Well, fellow adventurer, you'd be wrong! Because John Pack was also a little cheat who broke the most basics rules of any playground child. As we all know (unless you've never been a child), one of the chief rules of the playground is, "no cutting in line." 

Now, maybe we can get away with breaking that rule every now and then. But eventually it catches up to us. Especially if we break that rule and cut in front of a man like Howard Egan. Apparently there was a pretty solid order in the wagon train when the Saints were headed west. But John Pack wasn't one for order and decided to drive his team on ahead of Egan's.

This is how that should have gone down:

John Pack

VS. 

Howard Egan

2-NITE! 2 Men enter! 1 Man leaves!

BLOOD ON THE PRAIRIE

Kids seats still just FIVE BUCKZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!

Instead, my Canadian ancestor, lethargic with the maple syrup that pumped genetically through his bloodstream, got knocked off his wagon by Egan who then jumped down and kicked him while he laid in the dirt, crying like a little girl (note to self: don't check accuracy of "John Pack cried like a little girl" statement (because it might be true (and that would just be the last nail in the coffin))). It goes without saying that he surrendered (but I'll illuminate my point anyway by reminding you that John Pack was disgustingly, desperately, irreversibly Canadian).

The worst part is, I know Egan's great-great-great grandson, and, had I known the history between our families, had ample opportunity to punch him in the face and restore some dignity to my family. But now we're friends, so I'll have to be sneakier about it.


I sent him a text about it, to which he replied: "Doesn't surprise me." WHAT?! Wait, let him explain: "He had a law named after him in Utah. It was called the justifiable homicidal act. Look it up. Lol." 


Lol? LOL?! Lol, fellow adventurer. It turns out that Howard Egan's wife had an affair, Egan killed the guy, and then lived the rest of his life a free man. In effect, I was one well-placed kick from not existing today. Egan was an animal (no offense (some offense))! John shouldn't have even been in that bout!

Basically, it's just this whole mess and it goes to show how much Canada has ruined my life. I admit that I still have a lot of respect for John Pack, but I think we can agree that this was a dark chapter in my family's history.

I may never come back from this, fellow adventurer.

Now listen to this awful version of "O, Canada" while I cry myself to sleep:

The Dead Letter Office: What I Should Have Said to my Friend after his Break-up

Hey, Bro (brother),

Don't even worry about it (it being the girl (the girl who broke up with you (I think I'm calling too much attention to it (I'm sorry)))). There're plenty of fish in the sea (though I speak from experience (and cliche) when I say, probably none like her (for example, there was a girl I met a couple years ago who I have never gotten over though we never actually dated (you know her too (I set the two of you up (you went on a couple dates (it was a weird time for me, admittedly)))))).

I bet you'll find a girl soon (not that you'll want to (I know I wouldn't want to (I feel sometimes like the need to move on spawns from a push to get married within the culture (and the push works (sometimes I'm afraid I'll die alone (which is common, I think)))))).

I know what you're going through (I don't (I've never been dumped out of nowhere (I once broke up with a girl because she liked me too much (it was pretty ridiculous (I've still never apologized for it))))).

Keep strong, man (which is my way of saying, "Don't express you emotions man" (maybe it's because I don't like to feel (by which I mean, it's hard for me to empathize (I lack a lot of basic human emotions (which I make up for by exaggerating all my emotions as a joke (but then, that may just be an excuse to act amoral (if so, it works))))))).

Sincerely,

Kendall

Adventure Cuisine: Navajo Fry Bread (With a Dash of History!)

Prepare for a tasty (and informative) adventure, fellow adventurer!

A tasty treat for the culinary-minded adventurer is Navajo fry bread. When I was just a youngling, my mom would make it in the hopes that the grease would congeal in our bloodstream and slow us down. Believe me, fellow adventurer, it works!

The best part of making fry bread is the simplicity of it. The Navajo didn't have much, but as the stereotype goes, they used everything they had to its fullest extent. One of the reasons that the Navajo had so little was the rationing that the U.S. government subjected them to after herding them out of their ancestral lands by gunpoint. So sure, fry bread came from a dark time in American history. But the taste and the versatility of the bread make up for all that suffering!

Ooops! Guess I forgot to integrate these ingredients into one mass!

The first step to making fry bread is getting kicked out of your home by both the Spanish and the American governments. The first few miles of “The Long Walk of the Navajo” was probably pretty rough, but after a while, calluses (both physical and emotional) started to grow and everything got much better, so tough it out until then.

Once you get to the government sanctioned land, you’ll discover that your enemies, the Comanche and the Apache, are also there, bringing the land meant for 5,000 up to an angry 10,000 who still manage to mount constant raids on one another, regardless of the U.S. military nearby. Keep your head down and you’ll be just fine.

When the first rations show up, toss out the majority (since they’re rotten) and get to work. Get your flour, leavening (baking powder works), salt, and water. 

SUBSTITUTION TIP: Out of salt? The store’s too far away? You can use the sweat and tears of the Navajo people instead! If you don’t know any Navajo, head down to the area between the Four Corners and the Pecos River valley. The Navajo left loads of body salt.

This is all you need because this is all you have!

Mix one cup of flour, a quarter teaspoon of salt, a teaspoon of leavening, and a half cup of water together in a small bowl. Is the bowl/land too small to fit the ingredients/people? Deal with it. That’s all the bowl that the U.S. government gave you, so you’d better make friends.

QUICK TIP: If your neighbors come by for a raid, offer to share some fry bread with them! Maybe they won't kill you.

Wow! It sure is a mess in that bowl/government designated land!

Now cover your hands in flour (or dirt, since it’s not going to do much to the taste of dough made from rotten ingredients) and make the dough into a ball. Now separate that ball into four balls (a good way to remember how many balls to separate each serving into is to remember the four sacred mountains that made the border of the Navajos ancestral lands). 

FUN FACT: If you live in the Four Corners area, you live near where the Navajo made their home for over 300 years before being driven out by gun point.

If you're Navajo, maybe you don't remember your ancestral lands

Put some lard in your frying pan and get it good and hot. If you put too much lard in the pan, you can scrape some off the top. For scraping reference, see the scalping of the beloved Navajo leader, Narbona, in 1849 by the U.S. Military.

Call it shortening if you want. It's still lard.

Once the lard is hot, drop in your fry bread. You’ll want to stretch each ball out thin to make a scone-like shape. Don’t worry about stretching it too thin, because it will become hardened by the constant heat and pressure! Let the bread brown on each side before pulling it out.

Don't get too close to the oil! It'll scorch you like the sun scorched

the backs of thousands of Navajo men, women, and children.

Let the fry bread cool and then slather it with butter and jam. If you don’t have butter and jam, I guess you can use more lard. If you have to conserve your lard, just eat it plain. If there isn’t enough for one piece each, break yours into pieces and share.

This is a great meal unless you have to eat it every day for an extended period of time because the government is taking forever to find a scrap of land to leave you in!

From my kitchen to yours, enjoy!

The Most Intermediate Adventure: Pre-Polishing the Rocks

What a grand day for an adventure, fellow adventurer!

It has been 3-5 days (time is fairly inconsequential to an adventurer!) since we started step 2 of the rock polishing process. That means it's time to check on our rocks, fellow adventurer! Head down to the basement and grab your cylinder. Inside, there should be a good amount of slurry (or, "icky stuff") as you can see in the photo above. This means you're doing it right (probably)!

But do we want all that residue to stay for the next step? The instructions say, "No!" And as much as I hate to agree with the instructions, that slurry sure is gross. So clean that out!

FUN TIP: Pour the slurry in your toilet and flush it down. Check every ten minutes for a surprise! Remember to wear Boots!

 A perfect shot of three-quarters of our shed, ruined by me washing out the slurry with a hose

Now that you've disposed of all that old grit and grime, it's time to make some more! Dump out the stones in a colander (because that's the first thing you see and it'll siphon off the extra water or something) and check out the work you've already done.

A bowl of damp rocks? Or a bowl of ADVENTURE?

Your rocks will be wet (as a consequence of sitting in water) and will look shiny enough to glue some googly eyes on and sell to your neighbor's kid for obscenely high prices (because he's a kid and dumb enough to pay). But beware! Rocks are tricky. Wait a minute and let them dry off. Now you'll see their treachery! While the grit has worn off the sharp edges of the stones, it has done little to polish them. So shove them back in the barrel for a couple more weeks of beatings.

After you've put the rocks and water into the cylinder, add four tablespoons of pre-polish powder (the book says six, but you'll realize after four that six is the whole bag and you're too adventurous (cheap) to go out and buy more). Swish it around (because, even though the rocks are about to tumble for a week and the powder will inevitably get mixed in, an adventurer likes to feel like he has helped the process along). Now you're ready to start round three of tumbling!

Back to the basement!

Like children, the tumbler should neither be seen nor heard until you go to check and see if they're still moving every other day (that's what my parents did, fellow adventurer!). So sit back, relax, take off your shoes, and go wash your feet, fellow adventurer, because they stink of progress!

Conclusion: Adventure in progress. Also, I'm starting to realize why my parents don't take me out in public.