Logan Out Loud: Blaydor's Backyard Bash

Good news, fellow adventurer!

As you already know (because you are aware of everything that goes on in my life), Logan Out Loud, Logan's professional comedy troupe, was recently forced out on the streets where they had to fight other nomadic troupes (circuses, jugglers, Shakespearean actors, and minstrel shows (I was as offended as you)) to keep their rightful place on top of the Cache Valley comedy world (which is about two steps up from the bottom, it's a shallow comedy pool).

The most important thing that a comedy troupe can do is throw it's weight around like it's the greatest thing in the world (which works for us, because we are). We entered our troupe into NACA (National something something something) and will be attending their convention in November to audition for college tours. But you're asking yourself, "Master and King of Adventure, what will you do until that blessed day?" Perform, of course (I can't believe you didn't think of that)!

We are close to having a venue (more details to come), but until then, we will be doing a series of shows around the valley. The first will be on July 21st in Trent Hunsaker's backyard. Who is Trent Hunsaker, you ask? I can't give out that kind of information without his permission. But here are the deets (details (details about the show (details about the comedy show that Logan Out Loud will be performing in Trent Hunsaker's backyard))).

Now that you are dying with anticipation to see some real live stars (us (we're huge between Logan and the edge of Logan)), I figured you should get a little preview of what's to come for the backyard show (aside from what you're about to see, you can also expect the police to show up and shut us down because they hate happiness). So my roomie, Mike Grover (Junior Adventurer 1st class), and I decided to check out the venue (because we don't trust Trent).

Mike, ruining my perfectly framed shot of the parking lot across the street

So with Mike on his scooter and I in my Sweet Bonny (Chevy Bonneville, the pinnacle of luxury, and a Chevrolet to boot! Probably Chevy's finest car), we headed over to look at the place. 

Definitely a house

Trent lives in a questionable part of town. So BYOG (Bring Your Own Gun)! In fact, the mailbox has two names, neither of which are "Hunsaker," so it's very possible that we're performing in the backyard of a house-thief. I wouldn't put it past him. On to the performance area!

Mike, blocking your view of the seating area

The backyard can fit a bunch of people (don't ask me for specifics, just show up early). There's a big tree that will probably offer shade if you're one of those people (people who think that melanoma is still a thing (get over yourself)). We envision this backyard coated in blankets and dotted with lawn chairs. A fight will break out about five minutes prior to the show and somebody (maybe you? You'll have to be there to find out!) will get stabbed. But they won't die, because laughter will heal their wounds. Which brings us to the stage!

The stage/back porch/bicycle storage area

The stage is a traditional drop-down stage (is that a thing? It sounds like it should be). We checked the acoustics (which means "sound stuff") and they sounded great (as good as they will without some extensive remodeling of the area that Trent is unwilling to shell out the money for, like a baby). Also, we'll be able to use the side gate to go to the driveway which we can use as a performer's entrance/quick exit when the police show up!

As if the backyard was not exciting enough, we discovered as we were leaving, tucked away (in plain sight) in the corner of the back porch, the most incredible thing:

In case we need to cook some tasty burgers between games (we get famished)

Don't get your hopes up, fellow adventurer! Burgers are for performers only! Also, we are too poor (cheap) to actually buy burgers, so we'll probably just forget about the barbecue grill. But it looks great/not broken!

Moving on from the grill (though I'm not sure I can ever forget it), Logan Out Loud is grateful to the fans (friends) who have supported us. We're excited to bring you this free show and future shows.

I personally invite you, fellow adventurer, to come and laugh with us, cry by yourself (because we aren't sissies), and enjoy the summer weather (unless it rains, in which case, tough it out, champ!).

Blaydor be feared, fellow adventurer!

The Most Symbolic Adventure: Climbing a Mountain

What a day, fellow adventurer!

Today I will teach you how to climb a mountain properly (you've been doing it wrong all these years)! This an adventure best enjoyed in tandem, so call up co-adventurer and find yourself a mountain! The best way to choose another adventurer is to sit in your air-conditioned house all day eating candy. I know what you're thinking, fellow adventurer. You're thinking, "What sort of candy should I snack on while I wait for adventure to set upon me?" Here's the menu:

1 bag of Starburst FaveReds

1 bag (medium) of peanut butter M&M's

1 bag of Good&Plenty's (definitely plenty! I have no comment on the other part!)

1 bag of Munchies (careful! There's lots of pretzels in there to deter overeating! AVOID THE PRETZELS)

After you have snacked for approximately a while, respond to the seemingly distant nagging of a co-adventurer sitting beside you. He will, of course, be wondering aloud if he can attend your next adventure (because everyone wants a piece of adventure). He will be saying something like, "Kendall, let's have an adventure!" To which you will reply, "Sure, I've got nothing else to do," through a mouthful of Munchies.

Today's co-adventurer is Junior Adventurer 1st class Jordan Todd Brown. Jordan was born in a wooden barrel, where he spent the first few years of his infancy, rolling from town to town and working odd jobs to keep himself fed. Once, he wrestled a mangy coyote, just for kicks! Now he spends most of his time embodying the adventuring spirit by going outside, drinking unfiltered water, and getting dirt on his face. He truly is an adventurer among (junior) adventurers!

Jordan, ready to rock (climb) and (hopefully not) roll

As you can see by the massive sign behind my head in the picture at the top, we were once again in Cache National Forest: Land of Many Uses. But you can pick another (less adventurous) forest if you want (because you are weak)! You can find other spots for adventure by visiting your local wherever they have maps and stuff!

Now that you're in prime mountain-climbing wilderness, the first step is to plan to take a leisurely stroll down a well worn and gentle path. Do you have your water bottle? I got mine for free because I'm friends with rich people who have a predisposition for handing these things out. But you may have to purchase one. I'd suggest buying the cheapest one that isn't made of cardboard or getting a generous rich friend. Make sure your water bottle is full of liquid (whatever you want, I don't judge, but I suggest you steer clear of milk).

The second step on your mountain-climbing adventure is to find yourself on a side trail that looked interesting but turned out to be a steep scramble up a slippery slope rather than a gentle day hike.

REMEMBER: Do not wuss out. Your adventuring spirit chose this path for you, so deal with it.

Jordan, reverting to the quadrupedal form of our ancestor, the unicorn

As you scramble desperately up the hill, fellow adventurer, keep in mind the constant possibility of your feet slipping and you receiving a faceful of sharp rocks. This will really get that adrenaline pumping! 

After a while, you will find solid footing (we did, so it's probably true everywhere). Take this as an opportunity to have a rest and a photo-op!

Jordan contemplates the long-gone days of old school hip-hop 

Jordan, blocking my shot of the majesty of nature 

Jordan, calling out for a bird to perch on his finger (which he thinks works)

When you reach this spot, it is a good idea to sit down, take a sip from your water bottle, and get light-headed. As you start to feel your head roll with sudden sickness, remember that all you've had to eat today was candy. Do you feel the urge to throw up? Good! This means that your body hates you for what you've done to it (remember the Hash-Patties?). 

Me, trying to smile but feeling only the cold grip of death

After a few more sips of water, the third step in you journey is to decide to go on (or wuss out, if you're a wuss (Definition of Wuss: you, if you give up and turn around)). Your co-adventurer may be questioning your physical well-being and therefore your adventuring spirit, so climb on ahead to show him who's boss.

REMEMBER: YOU are the boss! Unless I am your co-adventurer, in which case, I am boss.

The fourth step to your journey is to find something that will prove beyond any doubt your adventuring spirit. Look for anything that might be deemed dangerous and cause your mother to think seriously about what song should be sung at your funeral. We chose a rock wall!

The perfect proof of adventuring spirit

If you're wary of death, here's a tip: send up your co-adventurer first! He (or she, everyone's an adventurer!) is always willing to do whatever you ask since he previously begged for you to take him on an adventure. If you go this route, it is important to stand clear of the wall as your co-adventurer will be careless and kick dirt and rocks down at you (maybe out of spite). 

Jordan, yelling out his barbaric "yawp!" 

Jordan, admitting he was terrified the whole time (common for Junior Adventurers)

Now it is your turn to climb! Muster up all your courage, fellow adventurer! This is the culmination of your effort! 

REMEMBER: There's a good chance you will die. Start thinking about what you want in your will and tell your co-adventurer. 

The mighty adventurer (me, of course), surveying the entirety of nature 

The mighty adventurer, stalling because he's terrified to climb back down (not necessarily me) 

The mighty adventurer, wiping his tears on his sweaty sleeve (ouch!) 

Two mighty adventurers (not actually sideways, but this adventurer is too lazy to rotate the photo)

Now comes the fifth and best step of the journey: The trip back. If you are in an area where rocks are constantly breaking off of the mountain (great when your halfway up the wall), you will have a trail littered with stones in the process of making their way down to the trail where they will bounce off the heads of unsuspecting joggers. These rocks can be used to your advantage!  

Rock surfing 

Rock surfing, U.S.A. 

Now that you've made your way down the mountain, look back at it and pat yourself on the back. You just had an adventure!

We made it almost 1/4th of the way up that!

Fellow adventurer, the mountain climb is perhaps the most important adventure for you to accomplish. It symbolizes life (because life often drops rocks on your head). The sooner and more often you can climb the physical mountains of life, the better prepared you'll be to face the symbolic mountains (eating at a buffet, attending family reunions, socializing in general). So find a mountain and conquer (some of) it! 

 Conclusion: Adventure accomplished (because I never said I was climbing the whole thing, back off)! Also, junior adventurers have a rough time with personal cleanliness.

Jordan, filthy

Now listen to this song about other things that people do on mountains that you shouldn't:

The Most Illegal Adventure?: The First Rock Hunt of Summer

Good afternoon, fellow adventurer!

After I purchased my rock tumbler (which was a steal, fellow adventurer!), I figured that, with the 3-6 weeks it takes to polish stones, I should go out and find some rocks. I rolled out of bed at about ten o' clock (the weekender's six a.m.) and got ready to go out in search for the finest stones. Thankfully, Logan has a lot of nature. But with all that nature, I knew I'd need a co-adventurer! So I grabbed my pal, Brad Brough (Junior Adventurer 1st class) and hauled him along for the search. 

Brad, wasting all his water before we've even begun

Two important things to remember about hunting for rocks: First, it might be illegal (it's that whole "take nothing but pictures, leave nothing but footprints" thing). I'll be honest with you, fellow adventurer, I don't really know the rules up in Logan Canyon. But the adventurer acts first and deals with the consequences later! The second thing to remember is, rocks don't have families, so don't worry about separating them from their loved ones. They don't have any! Rocks are the orphans of the natural world!

These rocks don't even know what love is!

As I mentioned in my post about the rock tumbler, if you find smooth rocks that have already been worked over by streams (or "rivers" as we Utahans call them), you can skip the first step of rock tumbling. Shortcuts are an adventurer's favorite thing! 

Some call it cheating.

So look in the rivers for stones that catch your eye!

Brad, excited to be in his natural habitat

Look for colors, even subdued ones, that catch your eye. Maybe the polishing will bring the colors out (I really don't know, this is my first time)! But be careful, fellow adventurer! Watch your co-adventurer closely, because he might make a series of bad decisions in the face of so much adventure. 

Brad, calling upon the spirit of the mighty gazelle 

Brad, returning to shore. Sadly, unharmed 

Once you've collected about three pounds of rocks or are sick of walking, pack up and turn around. If you're still afraid that what you're doing is less than legal, make sure you have the right carrying sack:

If anyone stops us, we can just say the bag is full of dog poops!

If anyone asks us where our dog is, we can say we lost him!

If anyone offers to help us find the dog, we can push them in the

stream and make a break for it!

The best part of living near Cache National Forest is that it has so many uses! 

So many!

So make use of what you have around you, fellow adventurer, and happy hunting!

When we returned home, I pulled out the rock tumbler and the instruction booklet that comes with it (which I have half a mind to burn, because who needs it?) and got to work on setting up the barrel for tumbling. 

The best part about instruction is that you can skip most of them!

While I read instructions, Brad took this picture, because he's extremely vain! 

If I give it a caption, he wins

I filled the barrel with rocks, grit, and water (because the book said I had to) and swished it around a little (because I figured the tumbler shouldn't have to do all the work). I oiled up the bearings on the tumbler with vegetable oil (because it's what I had and I don't want to know if it's the wrong thing to do so back off) to make sure the rods would turn without heating up and exploding (which probably happens). I was ready! 

A barrel full of soon to be beautiful rocks (which I have no idea what to do with)

The book told me to find a good solid surface to put the tumbler. So I put it down in the basement on the floor (where, if it explodes, it has the least possibility of waking me up while I'm trying to sleep). The basement of our house is incredible. The owner, Jonathan, used to paint down there, so there's a lot of great, weird, terrifying, nightmare-inducing stuff! 

Haha! No thanks! Adventurers deal with reality!

We found a little corner of the room where we could hide the tumbler from my roommate, Mike, who doesn't believe in adventure. Now came the moment of truth: turning on the machine and hoping it wouldn't explode.  

 For many lapidarists (rock-hounds), this is the last thing they ever see

Well, it clearly didn't explode, fellow adventurer, because I wrote this. But weren't you on the edge of your seat with suspense? Of course you were.

Actually, the tumbler is pretty quiet, which makes sense since it's simulating a stream or waterfall with it's gentle motion. I'll try to make it louder next time. Maybe I'll put all the rocks in the washer for the next step!

Conclusion: Adventure in progress. Also, Junior Adventurers should only be adventurous for an hour, tops, or they start making bad decisions and taking pictures of themselves.

Wish me luck, fellow adventurer!

The Longest Adventure: A Lesson in Patience

To make up for yesterday's horrible realization, I decided to fill my day with adventure. I woke up early and did some push-ups ("some" is generous), ate a nutritious meal (this is actually true), and read from the biography of my great-great-great grandfather (less great now that I know the horrible truth). Then I took a nap. Moments after waking up, I received a text from a good friend in peril (of the mortal variety). Her car had died and she asked who could help. Quick as a whip (1400 feet per second), I responded that I would be over soon.

But first I had to figure out how to jump a car.

SPORTZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!(is jumping a battery considered a sport?

It's something I don't understand, so probably)!!!!!!!!

I had never managed to learn or apply this most basic of skills for the adventurer. But, never fear, fellow adventurer, it's really easy to learn. I just looked it up on the internet (did you know you can find these sorts of things on the internet? What a world!)! But the internet terrified me. Apparently there are a lot of ways that a car can explode when you jump a battery.

Needless to say (but I'll say it just the same, needlessly), I was terrified when I arrived at my friend's apartment. She was leaning against the trunk of her car, ready for help, and I knew that, in a matter of minutes, the entire apartment complex might be blazing cinders.

She popped the hood of her car and I, mine. I attached the cables. I turned on the car. And even though I did exactly what Internet said I shouldn't, nothing blew up.

Conclusion: Adventure accomplished! Also, Internet lies.

I was so stoked with the blazing fire of adventure that I stopped at Harbor Freight Tools (which turned out to be having a sale, fellow adventurer! Get down there, fellow adventurer!) on my way home. In the past couple weeks the desire to buy a rock tumbler has infested my mind like a gaggle of college students at a swanky new malt shoppe (is that still a thing?). Along with my Canadian grandfather's biography, I have been reading my grandpa's (true blue, through and through) biography, as written by his children (mostly American patriots, but I can't be sure). It has summoned up in me the desire to follow in his footsteps. Grandpa was a man of integrity, honesty, and pure adventuring spirit. But those seemed like difficult attributes to work toward (except the adventuring spirit, which I possess in triplicate), so I decided instead to just take on his hobby of rock polishing.

Soon I will be tricking my brother into thinking these are candy!

I figured that, by the end of the day, the spirit of old Gramps would have permeated my soul as we bonded over the polished stones rolling out of the tumbler like a cascading waterfall of dead rats.

So precious! Now add a billion more and kill them.

But, as it turns out, old Gramps (that sly, all-American, dyed-in-the-wool, devil!) was going to teach me his most important attribute: Patience. Each of the four steps of rock polishing takes at least five days (according to the guide book, the guide book which this adventurer is tempted to toss out). So I'll be waiting more than three weeks for each load of polished stones. 

I guess Grandpa had a lot of time on his hands? I'm a busy guy (I'm not (really, like, not at all))! But now I've got a good reason to go for evening walks by the stream, picking out smooth stones and just enjoying nature. Also, if the stone is smooth enough, I get to skip the first week-long tumble (BONUS!).

Conclusion: Adventure in progress! Also, Gramps was sly...sly as a cheetah in a turtle shell!

I really wish I had a picture of that to put right here. Instead, I have this for the next time you jump a battery:

Wish me luck, fellow adventurer!

Moments of Weakness: The Darkest Family Secret

Around 1783, a bunch of scumbag loyalists turned tail and got out of Dodge (New York), fleeing to New Brunswick. One of those traitors to freedom was name Stephen Kent, and he ruined my life. Because with him, probably carrying the suitcases and asking why they were leaving Real America for Imitation America, was a thirteen-year-old orphan boy named George Pack.

It's a bit of a shock to discover after twenty-three celebrations of Independence Day that your great-great-great-great grandfather was indentured to a loyalist and raised a family in Canada. George married Phylotte Greene (daughter of another freedom-hater) and the couple made a bunch of babies. My great-great-great grandfather, John Pack, was born in Canada, a Canadian citizen through and through.

Why didn't you tell me? Did you think I'd never find out?

Fellow adventurer, I'm going through a bit of an identity crisis. I always knew that British blood ran through my veins. But Canadian? It's something I'll have to work through for a long time, and even then, I don't think I can ever be okay with it.

But, you say, there are so many good Canadian things! The following is a list! Will Arnett! Nathan Fillion! Ellen Page! Ryan Gosling! A whole bunch of other people!

Okay, interesting argument. But what about all the awful things Canada has given us? 

1. Paul Kenneth Bernrdo with Karla Homolka
2. Wayne Boden
3. John Martin Crawford

4. Russell Maurice Johnson

5. William Patrick Fyfe
6. Gilbert Paul Jordan
7. Allan Legere
8. Clifford Robert Olson Junior
9. Robert 'Willie' Pickton
10. Peter Woodcock

I'll be honest, that is just a list of the top ten Canadian serial killers. But also, Tom Green is Canadian and so is that awful flag.

Like a dead leaf, Canada will always be (op)pressed in the pages of history, and they will deserve it

Fellow adventurer, this next week will be so chock-full of adventure that I hope you will forget about the horrible truth of my lineage. I understand if you can't. I know I never will.

Also, I'm never reading about the past again.

The Dead Letter Office: The Note I Should Have Left on the Pie in the Fridge

Dear Mom, Dear Dad,

This is a strawberry-raspberry rhubarb pie (even though it looks like soup with chunks of pie crust floating in it (look forward to next week's Adventure Cuisine (because it's how to make pie soup and pretend that it's what you meant to make)!)). I hope you enjoy it (because it will make up for using all the ingredients (flour, sugar, brown sugar, berries, rhubarb, water (which is the one I feel worst about (what are you going to put out all the fires with (there are so many fires (you may have missed it, being gone all week, but Utah is pretty much completely engulfed in flames)!)?)))).

You will notice, I am sure, two of your thousand or so books missing. The first is a copy of Grandpa Pack's biography (because there were a bunch of them and, if I recall, I think one belongs to each of us (though I could be wrong (but even if I am, I'll pretend I'm not (finders keepers!))) and the second is a copy of The Redoubtable John Pack (that word is ridiculous ("redoubtable," I mean (one definition is "worthy of respect," but another is "causing fear or alarm" (I'm just putting that out there to create some contention among family historians)))). I needed them for a paper I'm writing called, "If This Kid's Great-great-great Grandfather Could see what his Descendant was Writing on Facebook, He Would Disown the Prick" (Mom, please don't smack me in the head next time you see me for using the word "prick" (actually, I guess you'd be well within your rights as a mother (after all, you kind of gave birth to me (apparently that's a tough thing (I believe it))))). It's a tentative title, but I think it has a nice ring to it (I'm terrified that I've already used up my "weird title" quota for the semester (also, the paper is only 750 words or so and I don't think I need to do this much research (but I'll do it anyway))). I will return these books (probably (maybe (no promises (you'll probably want to get them yourself)))) once I am done with them.


Here's hoping (this marks the first and, hopefully, last time I ever use that term) that you had a great trip!


Love,


Kendall


P.S. I watered the garden, the raspberries, and the strawberries. I would have mowed the lawn, but I ran out of time (I didn't (it was really hot out (I started working outside at noon (I guess I could have gotten to the lawn later (it wouldn't have been a big deal (it would have been the least I could do for the aforementioned birthing (not to mention putting up with me for so many years (because that's what "raising" a child seems to be in the end)))))))).


P.P.S. Happy Independence Day (though you're reading this on the seventh)!

Adventure Cuisine: Hash-Patty

Welcome, adventurer, to Adventure Cuisine! I'm going to teach you (by trial and error (mostly error)) how to cook some things that I made up because I was hungry and they sounded good. The adventurer never settles for the basic meal: The hamburger, the pancake, the duck's bill (probably a delicacy somewhere, I'm sure). No! The adventurer sees a recipe as a challenge to his or her ingenuity. A recipe says, "Why have an adventure when you could have something that has already been tested?" An adventurer says, "I'll take my beef adventurous, if you don't mind!" and dips it in an egg yolk batter then fries it and serves it on top of a cinnamon roll (AMERICA!).


With that preface to what the goal of Adventure Cuisine is, let's get to it.


First, let me note that "Hash-Patty" sounds like it's filled with drugs and that if anyone has a better name for this recipe, feel free to tell me so I can copyright it and make a ton of cash while you wallow in poverty.

The Workstation: An American Fire Hazard

The first step to making a Hash-Patty is deciding that what you really want is some hashbrowns. You buy a 10 lb. bag of potatoes (fully intending to use all ten pounds, though, as a bachelor you can only stomach so much of your own cooking) and grab the cheese grater from your roommate’s drawer, telling yourself you’ll wash it after using it.


You take one potato, wash some of the dirt from it and call it good, then grate it against the largest holes on the grater, nicking the tips of your fingers because you have some incessant need to use every piece of the potato (Note: if skin and blood mix in with the potato, no biggie. You're an adventurer, after all!). 


Once this is done, you do the next thing that pops into your mind, which is of course to coat the lump of potato shavings in flour, chili powder, and any other spices that look like they could taste good, maybe. This will make a sticky mass that you find you can mold into any shape.

Does it look like a lump of pig offal? You're doing it right!

Though you know this isn’t how hashbrowns should look, you forge ahead. In a skillet, dump some vegetable oil then turn the heat to somewhere around 350 degrees Fahrenheit--this is America and we don't use Celsius--(Remember: when you are finished with the skillet, don’t put it directly under water from the heat because it will make a loud noise and hot oil will explode onto your hand, leaving a good amount of blistering, and all your friends will think that you have leprosy or some other skin-eating condition that, by mere touch, will be transferred to them) and toss in the roughly patty-shaped mass. 

Does it look like sizzling pig offal? You're a champ!

Fry it until it is brown on both sides (five minutes and expect the inside to be crispy (though it won’t be, but the chewy center is perhaps the best surprise). Take the patty out of the oil and place it on a stack of paper towels in the hopes that doing so will somehow leech all the unhealthiness from the patty (Fun Fact: This is a good way to lose weight (if you lose weight by lying to yourself)!). 

Burned pig offal? Perfect!

Put a slice of pepper jack cheese on top and bite into the patty while it’s still far too hot. Deal with the consequences. Realize one year later that you never learned how to make hashbrowns.

And that was just the first try! Upon further experimentation, I concluded that cheese is always better when it's inside something instead of on top of it. So separate your patty into two halves and place a slice of pepperjack (or cheddar if you are a low-level adventurer) in between the halves.

Now that there's dairy, that's a nutritious meal!

This accomplishes two things: First, the cheese will melt as the patty cooks and create a gooey center (which is the goal with all foods except hard-boiled eggs and most meats (probably all meats)); and second, if you serve it to someone, the cheese acts as a hilarious molten sneak-attack that will spill all over their chin, burn their skin, and adhere itself firmly so that it will continue to burn until the victim scrapes it off. Again, hilarious!

Also, bacon. cook some bacon, chop it up, put it in the middle. Have I tried it?

Now I have!

When you fill the patty with cheese and bacon, it tends to get a little difficult to seal up, so you have to spend a good amount of time pressing the potato lump around the filling to create a protective shield, because you know that if the cheese touches the oil it will explode, start a fire, and leave you homeless, again.

Fire hazard avoided!

Next you think, "How could this possibly be more delicious/deadly?" Fry sauce is the correct answer. To make fry sauce, add equal parts ketchup, mayonnaise, and repressed regret. Stir the mixture until it is salmon-colored, delicious, or both (some people like more mayo, these people are going to die young).

Fun fact: Fry sauce doubles as a delicious pudding if you are disgusting!

The last step in creating this meal of meals is to put everything on your computer desk and eat it while you stare at the screen, realizing that you'll have to tell your readers about what you just ate. Guilt should set in at about the point that the patty reforms itself around your heart.

It sets in...Now

There you go, fellow adventurer! The perfect meal for the college-bound adventurer with nothing to lose.

Nutrition Facts:
-If you're looking for health facts, stop calling yourself an adventurer and go find some nice little health food blog and DIE.
-Did you know that you can buy a bag of edible, pre-cooked, pregnant crickets for under six bucks? What a steal! Find this and other edible (but not necessarily palatable) insects here.

Lastly, this was my soundtrack while I cooked:

Enjoy the Adventure (even if it kills you)!